A little bit about myself

I am what some people call a super planner or over planner. Basically, I plan too damn much. My planning is so detailed (and sick), that I have to-do lists for to-do lists. EXAMPLE: I have one major “to-do” list for life, and each item on that list has a to-do list. I know, I know, I am doing to much planning and not enough time doing the things on the list. When I was younger I not only imagined what I wanted to do when I grew up, I took it a step (well a couple of steps) further. I envisioned what a daily life would consist of. My life as an attorney, how many kids I would have, the type of man I would marry, the type of house we would buy and in what particular city, the trips I would take as a single and then married woman, and most of all the AGES I would be when I accomplished all of these things.

Now looking back……… nothing is like I imagined. LOL

When we plan or dream about things we want in life, we always fail to include that there will be obstacles. Obstacles that can and maybe will include financial struggles, flunking out of school or quitting school, dead end low paying jobs, sudden deaths, bad relationships etc. At one particular time or other for me, obstacles have been all of the things mentions earlier. However, the one that has had the most impact is the time I flunked out of law school.

There is no one major event that occurred where I just knew I was going to end up flunking out. In addition, I know that flunking out was not because I could not do it, but because I was scare of what the future would bring. I was actually doing the very thing I planned. I was actually putting it into action. This scared me to death. I came to realize that my “to-do” lists were security blankets. I came from an environment where mediocrity was not even required. Therefore, I have always been different because of the dreams I set for myself. I was totally out of my element in law school. Everyone here had big dreams and was in the process of fulfilling them. Here I am watching a picture of my life unfold that is not so much like the one I had when I was a little girl. I kept wondering was I good or smart enough to be here with the rest of the individuals. I did not have enough confidence in God nor me for that matter, and that is just a recipe for disaster. I set myself up for failure. There could be no more talking about what I wanted or planning what I wanted. It had come to the moment where I was to ACTUALLY work towards what I wanted.

It is crazy how I have spent my entire life planning my future, but if given the chance, I would go back and do things differently. ONLY if I knew the things I know now. The past six years were filled with some major highs and lows that are making my twenties the hardest time of my life.

Nevertheless, I truly believe that this experience is my life lesson. One of my favorite quotes is “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” (Fredrick Douglass) I never had to work hard to succeed. I succeeded at many things in grade school and college but it was never due to hard work. After looking within myself and going over things in my life, I realize that I never experience failure because I never exposed myself to situations where I would fail.

I picked a major in college that was not rocket science. Subjects that I knew that I was not good in (Math and Science), I found out which professors the athletics were taking because I knew that those were the easy professors. I ended up graduating with honors this way. Applying to law school, I rarely studied for the LSAT, but some kind of way I made a decent score and by the grace of God was accepted into law school for the fall 2004 semester. So here I am arriving to law school with the mindset of doing just enough to get by, without having to put myself into the unknown. Not knowing that by just stepping into the building I was stepping into the unknown and coming in with an attitude that was unconsciously setting myself up to fail.

Now, six years later, I am coming to the realization that I had to truly go through the hardest time (flunking) in order to get to know myself and to appreciate what I was actually trying to accomplish. God was giving me my life lesson early. “Nothing worth having in life comes easy.” I needed this lesson in order to fulfill and appreciate my ultimate dream (how can you appreciate anything that did not take effort to obtain), to even realize if I wanted this to be my dream.

When He begin to reveal this to me, His purpose, I began to understand that the obstacles that were being place in my life were really bricks that I will use to one day build the life He has in store for me. I can safely say that I am no longer that scared 21 year old getting by with just doing enough to not step out into the unknown. These days I welcome it. Now do not get me wrong, stepping out into the unknown is still extremely hard, but now I am more equip on how to handle it. When things were unclear, difficult, and confusing, I use to withdraw and break down. Now I know that these moments are just daily lessons. For that reason, in order to receive the “greatness” God has in store for me, I need to be ready for the challenges and the unknown.

So with that I welcome His challenges because now that I am back in law school WITH the addition of working a full time job, there will be plenty of them.

Please join me on my journey:

SECOND TIME AROUND!!!!!!!