Retrospective - LSAT (Part 2)

Last week in Part One of my "Retrospective - LSAT" story, I gave you guys the beginning of the journey and how the complicated relationship I had with the LSAT exam started.

Soooo.......

After meeting with my department head and getting the encouragement to give law school one more try, I started the necessary steps needed to take the LSAT.  

Now finding a prep course was the tricky part.  I didn't go the normal route (Kaplan and Princeton Review) because I known several individuals who used them and did not get the results they desired (whose fault that is, I don't know).  After looking around and doing research, I found courses being taught at Emory and Georgia State.  They both were being taught by the same individual!!  After I goggled him, I decided that he was the one I wanted to go with.  I picked a class section, paid for it, submitted my reimbursement sheet to HR, and waited for the class to start.

Two months later......  Classes begun.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays I was going to Georgia State University for my LSAT prep course.  THANK GOD I went with this prep course.  The teacher was funny and very much down to earth and really took the time to help everyone learn the tricks and the trade behind the LSAT.  It was him that inform me that there was no such thing as "studying" for the LSAT, instead we need to start "practicing" it.  Going to class was wonderful!  I loved parking in the parking garage near the school (because I stop parking where they told us - it was too expensive) and walking towards the school.  I started picturing myself actually being in school coming there for my classes.  I was really speaking it into existence!!!!

Being in class was great, it was trying to "practice" outside class that was the kicker....  For some reason I could not get it together to pick up any of the LSAT material outside of the class setting.  It was NOT for the lack of trying.  I definitely tried, but something was mentally holding me back.  I started to feel a lot of pressure to make sure that I do well on the exam.  To many people from my job knew what I was doing  and I kept thinking that if I mess this up, everybody is going to know and I will fall right into the hands of some of the individuals I work with (some were actually wanting me to fail).  I am really hard on myself and nothing I was doing was enough.  Studying.....I mean practicing for this exam really had my head gone.  I would basically get up on Saturdays, drive to the library (had too many distractions at home), find an area and get comfortable, open up the book, and basically break down.  Random people coming to my cube asking is everything is okay, and honestly I didn't know if everything was okay.  I could not for the life of me understand what was going on. 

So as I sit at the library (or coffee shop or bookstore), trying my damnest to hide that fact that I am having a mental break down in public, I am thinking to myself, "What the hell is going on?"   I decided that it was time to see someone. 

I found a therapist and after several sessions, we (okay she) came to the conclusion that I was not afraid of failure, but afraid of success.  She found that I knew that I was a brilliant individual and could do anything I want if I put my mind to it, but if putting my mind towards something is going to take me outside of my comfort zone, I am (and will and have) going to self sabotage myself!!!  DING DING DING!!!

This is EXACTLY what I did in law school!!!

So after several assignments given by her for me to do, I became comfortable embracing actually doing the things I want to do in life.   After getting to the real reason for why I could not pick up the LSAT book outside of the classroom, practicing for the LSAT got a little easier to do. I actually started understanding what I was doing. 

Some may say, "Wow you went through all that just with the test!  What is wrong with you?"  It was not about the test, I was basically doing the same thing I did in law school six years ago.  I needed to go through that journey so that I could get the help I needed so that when I start law school in less than 40 days, I will not get another letter in January saying that I have flunked out!!!